I used to think I’d remain young all my life, for the sole reason that I felt I would die early.
And I used to think I wouldn’t have a long life. And I used to think this feeling would change as I aged. But what happened was that as I grew older I could smell death breathing closer onto my face.
Today a new year begins. I was among those who never bothered to count days and nights, but preferred to utilize time to deepen my experiences thus extend my life depth-wise rather than length-wise.
Why do some of us feel life is short?
I have no idea!
Today I feel aged. No, I feel I’m not the youth I used to be. No, I feel ill, or I feel threatened. That’s it. That’s the right term. I’m threatened by threatening my very existence, a threat concerning my being as a human.
What’s a human?
A human is a living creature who remembers.
Some will say, but humans forget by nature. That’s how God (Allah) created us.
I will say, Praised be Allah. But when a human forgets his loved ones, when he forgets the intimate details, when he forgets the important matters of life, he becomes another person. A human who does not remember becomes a human ruins, or becomes like me: a threatened man. What value is one without his God-given memory chip?
How did I forget all these things?
I used to know by heart more than half of the Quran. I used to know by heart the greater part of Abu-Tamam’s “Zeal”, dozens of poems by El-Motanabby, Ibn El-Faredh, Ibn El-Roumy and many more. Sometimes I would start a quote and, to my shock, stop midway like a derailed train. I sometimes complete the verse by expectation not memorization.
Life has bestowed upon me more than I anticipated. I’ve won the major bets to which I devoted my life. I feel fully satisfied and I find no grievance in a quiet exit.
Allah forbids us to wish for death. But sometimes things happen to a person in life that make him wish to have died before their happening.
How will my life end?
Would God send me a little chunk of metal? The kind that sends one straight to heaven!
I’m not worthy…!
I used to be a young man with a sharp memory and keen senses. I used to remember faces however changed by time, memorize texts (that I liked) in record time, and recall phone numbers. I could recall car license numbers in an amazing way, as I used to read the license numbers of the cars behind me from their inverted reflection in the driver’s mirror. That kept me off the radar of all security forces because I could detect the chase right away without looking behind me!
Now I forget.
I forgot the passing away anniversary of my professor, father-figure, and friend, Dr. Ahmed Sidqy El-Dajany, my kind mentor, God rest his soul. I forgot the eighth anniversary of his passing away, which was on Thursday 29/12/2011. It’s the first time for me to be in Cairo on his memory and not recite the Opening of Quran at his grave.
If God extends my life, what more will I forget?
Some fear death, and some fear staying alive.
Translated from an article “Al-Khawf Men Estemrar Al-Hayat” by Abdul-Rahman Yusuf, published in Youm7 on 1/1/2012. Link to original article:
http://www.arahman.net/menu-types/1196-
